Skip to main content

tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  March 13, 2012 12:35am-1:35am EDT

12:35 am
like not something you see ♪ but something that you
12:36 am
thank you, gentlemen.
12:37 am
i want to thank my guests, [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
12:38 am
>> jimmy: thank you! what a great crowd already! we're off to a great start. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. man, oh, man. it's a big, big, big, big weekend for sports, you guys. big weekend. [ cheers ] this sunday -- this sunday's nfl games will decide which teams are going to the super bowl. yeah. and i haven't been -- [ cheers ] i haven't been following football that closely here, but from what i understand, it will most likely be the new england patriots -- [ cheers ] playing against mitt romney. [ laughter ] and i think -- i don't know if i -- this is cool. if the ravens and the 49ers win this weekend, it could make john and jim harbaugh the first brothers to ever coach against each other in the super bowl. yeah. the winner gets a very prestigious prize -- the top bunk. [ laughter ] yeah, the brothers coaching against each other. it will be weird when one coach calls a fake punt, and the other's like, "mom, johnny tricked me." [ laughter ] of course, on sunday, the baltimore ravens will travel to
12:39 am
new england to take on the patriots. when asked if they were excited for the game, quote, the ravens nevermore. [ laughter and applause ] edgar allan poe. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: a little -- a little poe for you. a little poe for you. >> steve: a little poe poem. >> jimmy: yep. hey, did you guys see this yesterday? in florida, president obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looked good. [ cheers ] which explains why last night, michelle made him sleep on air mattress one. you know? [ laughter ] now it makes sense. [ light laughter ] that's not a thing. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know what to make of this. there's a new facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. [ light laughter ] that's ridiculous. i don't need someone to change my status when i die. i need them to water my farmville crops. [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they got to grow. that's right. an app that posts a facebook status after you die. that way, you can leave a nice
12:40 am
heartfelt message to your loved ones, or prank them and go, "i'm not dead. dig me up." [ laughter ] you know, you could do that. just saying. hey, you guys. today's national cheese day. [ cheers and applause ] and i mean this when i say it. i hope your day is as goudas mine. >> steve: hey! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and if you're having a bad day, just hope it gets cheddar. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] come on, admit it. that was sharp. [ laughter ] i'm sorry. those puns are cheesy. [ laughter ] seriously, i apologize for the jokes. [ light laughter ] that's not the person i want to brie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it gets gritty after a while. [ applause ] all right. let's get on with it. >> steve: that's what cheese said. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: that's what cheese said. very good. >> steve: not that's what she said. that's what cheese said. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] you don't have to explain it. you don't have to explain it. you don't have to explain it. i got you. cheese. >> steve: got it?
12:41 am
>> jimmy: yeah, get your hand away from the side of your mouth. [ laughter ] dude, you didn't put that crazy glue to moisturize, right? >> steve: yeah, why? >> jimmy: that wasn't moisturizer. that was crazy glue. oh, man. we'll figure it out later. we'll figure it out later. [ light laughter ] finally, you guys, there are rumors are going around that tim tebow might be on next season of "dancing with the stars." [ cheers and applause ] it will be weird when bruno is, like, "it was awful. i hated it." [ thunder ] "i mean, it was perfect! you were the best!" [ laughter ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, you guys! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we have a fantastic show tonight, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for watching. one of the greatest. one of our favorites. we always -- we always have to bleep her out or something. when she's on the show, she always insults some ethnicity. god knows who she's going to go after tonight. we don't know. but, you've got to admit she's always funny. we love her so much. the one and only joan rivers is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she's the greatest. >> steve: that's what cheese
12:42 am
said. >> jimmy: she's a former wwe superstar and a terrific actress. stacy keibler is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] ooh-la-la. ooh-la-la. and making their tv debut -- gosh, i love this band. cults will be performing for us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] they are good. they sound great. guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind, so, if you guys wouldn't mind, can i write out my weekly thank you notes right now? do you mind? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> steve: is he laughing or crying? [ laughter ] he's sad. >> jimmy: now he's sad. >> steve: he's a sad clown. [ laughter ] wait, now he's happy. wait. >> jimmy: no, no, that's -- >> steve: wait. what? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what a mix-up.
12:43 am
what a weird mix-up. >> steve: oh, my gosh. he's mixed emotions. >> jimmy: yeah. ♪ [ laughter ] thank you, kenny g's wife, for filing for divorce. i'm not sure why, but if i had to guess, i'd say the sax wasn't good. [ laughter and applause ] had to do it. had to do it. >> steve: i don't know. >> jimmy: somebody had to do it. >> steve: somebody had to say it. that's what cheese said. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, we heard that already. we heard your joke. gosh. ♪ thank you, nips hard candy, for being the only hard nips i ever want to hear my grandma talk about. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: oh, boy. granny, cool it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: anyway -- >> jimmy: i didn't tell you what happened, right? >> steve: no. how is your grandma, by the way? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: christmas -- we had her over christmas eve.
12:44 am
>> steve: right, i know -- i know you planned a big party christmas eve. >> jimmy: she got run over by a reindeer. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, my god. where? >> jimmy: it was in front of our house. she was walking home. she was -- she lives really close. >> steve: yeah, she lives next door. >> jimmy: so, we -- i offered to drive. she just took off. i don't know. and she went out -- and then, i didn't even know anything happened. >> steve: right, until? >> jimmy: the next day we were having fun, eating candy canes. >> steve: right. >> jimmy: you know, passing around the hard nips, you know. [ laughter ] just having a good time. and i look out in the window, and i see a -- i see a dead body. >> steve: your grandmother's body? [ laughter ] was it disfigured in any way? >> jimmy: yeah, her head -- her face was disfigured. [ laughter ] there was hoof prints on her head. [ laughter ] >> steve: and what about her back? claw marks? >> jimmy: how did you know? yeah, she was -- she was topless. >> steve: oh, my god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there was claw marks on her back. >> steve: awful. i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: i don't -- sorry i even brought up grandma. >> steve: that's what cheese said. [ laughter ] ♪
12:45 am
>> jimmy: thank you, people who wear flip-flops with socks -- [ laughter ] -- for basically saying, "i don't know how either of these things work." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, thin, wispy clouds, for always taking things so cirrusly. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh. you're going to cumulous a lot of -- >> jimmy: that one's for -- that one's for don herbert. >> steve: mr. wizard? >> jimmy: yep. [ light laughter ] is that what you call him? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: sure. ♪ thank you, newt gingrich, for reportedly asking your ex-wife if you could have an open marriage. this may tarnish your image. on the other hand, it will probably attract a lot of swing voters. [ laughter and applause ] interesting.
12:46 am
make it work. make it work. >> steve: yeah. make it -- come on. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, massage chairs, for being the only robot i allow to punch me in the back. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, urinals, for never taking any crap. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, rick perry, for officially ending your presidential campaign. don't worry, we will never forget you. mainly because of this. [ laughter ] there you have it. those are my thank you notes, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] if you like movies that make you laugh...
12:47 am
[ sirens ] dramas... or whatever else, then you'll love netflix. watch unlimited movies and tv episodes on your pc or tv instantly over the internet for only 8 bucks a month. start your free trial today. keratin treatments to all my clients. [ female announcer ] can this top stylist tell the difference between our new keratin treatment and a salon version? [ merritt ] so smooth. so sleek. i can't tell the difference. what did you use? [ female announcer ] new suave professionals keratin infusion.
12:48 am
it gives you salon-smooth style at home. infused with keratin, it transforms frizz for hair that's sleeker and easier to style. new suave professionals keratin infusion smoothes your style as well as a salon keratin treatment. see how at
12:49 am
12:50 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. here at "late night," -- here at "late night," we're always a step ahead when it comes to new technology. and you're about to see what i mean. it's time for "audience voicemail." >> hello. >> who is this? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey. that's right. i have here the hacker 9000. [ light laughter ] what this does -- it allows us to hack into anyone's phone and listen to their voicemail. this device is so top secret, we're not even supposed to be telling you about it. only -- the only other person who knows about this is rupert murdoch. [ laughter ] now, let me show you how it works. here we go. let's try over here. how you doing? you stand up. hey there. what's your name? >> matt taylor. >> jimmy: matt taylor. very good, matt. now, where you from? >> oklahoma.
12:51 am
>> jimmy: oklahoma, good. do you have your cell phone with you? >> yes. >> jimmy: very nice. i think it would this model. nice iphone. here we go. i'll place it into the hacker 9000. [ light laughter ] now, let's hear the most recent voicemail on your phone. >> hey, matt taylor, it's your doctor calling to let you know that that third nipple we found is -- [ laughter ] -- actually a penis, so -- [ laughter and applause ] you got a second penis there, so -- anyway, enjoy that new penis. it's a secret between us. >> daddy? >> hold on a second, matt. >> daddy? >> i'm on the phone, honey. can you come back in a second? >> can you tell mom i need to go to the bathroom? >> okay, go to the bathroom, buddy. anyway, matt taylor, i'm not a real doctor, and i'm calling you from a football phone. bye! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. that's the -- here you go, buddy. let's go to somebody else. thanks. sorry, but congratulations. [ applause ] how you doing? stand up. how are you? what's your name? >> christina. >> jimmy: christina? >> yes. >> jimmy: where you from? >> new york. >> jimmy: new york. very good, christina. now, do you have your phone on you? >> yes.
12:52 am
>> jimmy: very good. another iphone. interesting. ooh, glitter. [ light laughter ] sparkly, shiny, yeah. got distracted. all right, here we go. we'll place it into the hacker 9000 and listen to your voicemail. >> hey, christina. it's me, doug. yeah, the guy you left standing at the altar five years ago. [ light laughter ] i just want you to know that, even though we broke up, i do want my favorite shirt back. it's that kind of leopard print red job that i used to wear. [ laughter ] it's my favorite shirt. i hope you're not laughing at this voicemail right now, by the way. don't laugh at me. anyway, also, i want my headband back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: aw. he wants his head -- he wants his headband back. >> yeah, i want it back. >> jimmy: you can't hear -- [ laughter ] you can't hear me. >> oh, sorry. anyway, i love you still. bye, christina. >> jimmy: bye. yep. thanks. sorry. [ cheers and applause ] get that back to him. how you doing? stand up. it talked back to me. how are you? what's your name?
12:53 am
>> ashley spangenberg. >> jimmy: ashley, where are you from? >> saratoga springs, new york. >> jimmy: hey, i love saratoga springs. i used to hang out there all the time. what have you got there? is that your phone? another iphone. weird. [ light laughter ] this is a kind of nice, kind of, like, picnic basket type of -- very, very nice. i'll just put it in the hacker 9000. listen to your voicemail. >> hey, ashley, it's lily zola. yeah, it's done. the thing -- i threw the body into the river like you told me to. [ light laughter ] nobody in saratoga springs, new york will ever know. and by the way, delete this voicemail. whatever you do, don't let anybody hear this voicemail. have fun at "jimmy kimmel" tonight. bye! [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing, buddy? stand up. what's your name? >> larry. >> jimmy: larry, where are you from? >> new jersey. >> jimmy: all right, larry from new jersey. good man. [ cheers and applause ] jersey in the house. jersey in the house. very good, larry. let's see your phone here, buddy. >> this is old school. >> jimmy: oh, man. this is, like, from 1991. [ laughter ] it's great. it has a fu-schnickens sticker on the back. [ laughter ] that's cool. here we go. let me place it in the hacker 9000.
12:54 am
>> hi, larry, this is the palace video rental store in new jersey calling again. this is just to let you know that the following rentals are still overdue, and you need to return them. we have out for you "girls gone wild," "slut party 6." [ light laughter ] "butt party 6." [ laughter ] "war whores." [ light laughter ] "whore horse." [ laughter ] "horse whores." [ laughter ] and "whore wars." [ laughter ] also, "little people, big wieners" and the dvd box set of "twilight." [ laughter ] so please return those movies as soon as possible. >> jimmy: big "twilight" fan. here's your phone. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to go -- i'm going to go to that side. [ applause ] smile, smile, you're on tv. smile. [ laughter ] here you go. hey, how are you doing, buddy? victor cruz. nice to see you, buddy.
12:55 am
>> jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: yeah, you look good. hey, how are you doing? >> hi. >> jimmy: stand up. >> hello. >> jimmy: how you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: nice to see you. what's your name? >> emily. >> jimmy: emily, where are you from? >> houston. >> jimmy: from houston. >> yes. >> jimmy: well, welcome to new york city. >> thank you. >> jimmy: are you having fun? >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: all right, great. do you have your phone with you? >> yes, it's right here. >> jimmy: another iphone. this is very interesting. all right, here we go. this iphone goes in to the hacker 9000. >> hello, emily, this is the officer benetti of the houston police. we've identified the suspect who apparently defecated in your purse. [ laughter ] he's wearing kind of a red gingham-y type shirt. with his hand on -- he has a watch. and smiling. and now he's moving. [ light laughter ] he's standing next to you. see, you know what? i hope that helps. hold on a second. yeah, what is this? i'm on the phone. >> i have to go to the bathroom again. >> you have to go to the bathroom? [ laughter ] hold on a second. i'm almost done talking to this lady. her purse was defecated in. all right. we'll see you later, chelsea. emily. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. i'm sorry. [ applause ] he didn't remember your name.
12:56 am
the officer -- the officer forgot your name. how's it going, buddy? stand up. how you doing, man? what's your name? >> alex. >> jimmy: alex, where are you from? >> ridgewood, new jersey. >> jimmy: where? >> ridgewood, new jersey. >> jimmy: ridgewood, new jersey. [ cheers ] we've got new jersey in the house tonight. representing. i love it. can i see your phone, please? this device is the best. this is going to be another iphone. everybody has iphones. all right, here we go. i'm going to put this guy in here, and let the hacker 9000 work. >> first voicemail received today at 2:43 a.m. >> hey, babe, this is jess from the bar last night. it was great meeting you. even though you were so wasted you might not remember. anyway, i'm glad we hooked up. you're a great kisser. call me, okay? >> jimmy: whoa, that's pretty cool. yeah. >> second voicemail received today at 3:17 a.m. >> hey, what's up, man? it's mikey mike. what's up, alex, the ridgewood rider? you're stupid, but i -- [ light laughter ] it was great meeting you. even though you were so wasted you might not remember.
12:57 am
anyway, i'm glad we hooked up, man. [ laughter ] you're a good kisser, man. you're good at a lot of stuff. all right, man. bring my gray shirt back. peace. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. there you go. there you go. there you go, buddy. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for this great technology and all these great audience members. we'll be right back with the one and only joan rivers, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ leanne ] appliance park has been here since the early 50s.
12:58 am
my dad and grandfather spent their whole careers here. [ charlie ] we're the heartbeat of this place, the people on the line. we take pride in what we do. when that refrigerator ships out the door, it's us that work out here. [ michael ] we're on the forefront of revitalizing manufacturing. we're proving that it can be done here, and it can be done well. [ ilona ] i came to ge after the plant i was working at closed after 33 years. ge's giving me the chance to start back over. [ cindy ] there's construction workers everywhere. so what does that mean? it means work. it means work for more people. [ brian ] there's a bright future here, and there's a chance to get on the ground floor of something big, something that will bring us back. not only this company, but this country. ♪ [ male announcer ] tough on sweat. ♪ not on skin. get powerful 48 hour sweat protection plus 1/4 moisturizer technology. only with dove men + care deodorant.
12:59 am
[ speaking in italian ] ♪ [ speaking in italian ] ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] the fiat 500 abarth. you'll never forget the first time you see one.
1:00 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are always excited to have tonight's lead guest visit "late night." she is a gifted comedienne -- has crafted one of the most respected careers in show business. you see her in "fashion police" on e! fridays at 10:30 p.m. and starting next tuesday, january 24th, at 9:00 p.m., the second season of "joan and melissa: joan knows best?" will premiere on we tv. please welcome back to studio 6b, the hilarious joan rivers!
1:01 am
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: joan, you look gorgeous. welcome back to the show. >> yes, thrilled to be back. i watch you every night. every night. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. you're very, very nice. thank you for saying that. >> i have no life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you have a life. but you are very busy. you got a thousand shows on tv. >> no. no. i -- i pitched so many shows. and now we have two shows, thank god. and i -- >> jimmy: you pitched other shows? >> oh, my darling. i pitch shows that should have gone -- i pitched "the price is right" revival with winona ryder. >> jimmy: yeah. >> turned down flat. >> jimmy: yeah, they didn't like it. [ laughter ] >> i pitched "wife swap" with newt gingrich. [ laughter ] and that was a year ago. >> jimmy: that was -- yeah, you had that idea a long time ago. >> and then i had one, and i'm still pissed.
1:02 am
>> jimmy: yeah. >> it was, like -- kind of, like -- like, kind of, sort of -- how would i call it? "jeopardy" minus the donald trump show, all kinds of things. i had an island, and on the island i wanted to put the kardashians -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> the olsen twins -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and maybe katy perry and have them fight to the death. [ laughter ] fight, fight, fight to the death. until only one is left. >> jimmy: what's the name? >> and i wanted to call it "who gives a [ bleep ]?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. that's a good -- i want to steal that idea. it was pretty good. they like it. they seemed to enjoy that show. [ cheers and applause ] they would watch it. they would watch it. >> they would watch it. >> jimmy: how about movies? have you seen any movies? >> well, it's all movie-bound. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you had the golden globes. >> jimmy: golden globes, the oscars, yeah. >> and meryl streep won, thank god. >> jimmy: yeah, we love her. >> brilliant. she should -- she's going to win this year, don't you think? for "iron lady"? >> jimmy: yeah, i think so, yeah. >> yeah. she should have won last year for "precious." i thought she was --
1:03 am
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: that wasn't -- no, that wasn't her. >> oh, yes it was. oh, she was genius. >> jimmy: but that wasn't her. >> meryl streep, the 20-year-old fat black girl. [ laughter ] i mean -- >> jimmy: she is kind of amazing. she's nothing short of amazing. nothing short. >> that made me a fan. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. me, too, now that i think about it. >> that made me a fan. >> jimmy: yeah, i didn't know that was her. >> and "the king's speech," where she played the stuttering king. and she doesn't stop. >> jimmy: no, that's not her. yeah. did you like "king's speech"? >> stupid. [ stuttering repeatedly ] [ laughter ] 14 [ bleep ] hours. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, all right. we get it, right. it could have been -- yeah, it could have been -- could have been cut down a little. we get the gist. >> and he stutters. he's the king of england. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's like -- >> so what? >> jimmy: things could be worse, yeah. >> he owns england, ireland, scotland, canada, new zealand or australia. so he stutters. he owns england, ireland, scotland. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i would cut my tongue off in new jersey. [ laughter ] i mean, it's what you want. >> jimmy: yeah, it's what you want. yeah. >> the royals -- i don't feel sorry for royals.
1:04 am
>> jimmy: no. >> princess diana -- >> jimmy: yeah. [ in whiny voice ] >> "aw, i'm not happy." and the whole world still feels sorry. [ in whiny voice ] "i'm not happy. not happy. not happy." remember that stupid bitch? [ laughter ] i mean, "i'm not happy. i'm not happy." oh, excuse me. she was rich. she was gorgeous. she was beautiful. she had two normal children. she had a husband who didn't want to sleep with her. she had the whole thing. [ laughter and applause ] she had -- she had a crown. >> jimmy: i know. she had a crown. yeah. >> she had a crown. jimmy: all right, yeah. >> she had a crown. [ cheers ] if you had a crown, you can go back to any class reunion for the rest of your life. [ laughter ] when they say to you, "how are you doing?" you say, "check my hat." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what i do when they ask how i'm doing. "joan and melissa: joan knows best?" >> yes. >> jimmy: second season. >> second season. >> jimmy: but we're missing one very important ingredient here. we need melissa. >> melissa. >> jimmy: melissa, come on out. melissa rivers, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
1:05 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> we have a shared birthday. >> jimmy: oh, that's right. happy birthday. questlove. it's questlove's birthday today. happy birthday, quest. [ cheers and applause ] and melissa. welcome to the show. >> yeah, i'm so excited to be here. >> jimmy: happy to have you on. >> thrilled. >> jimmy: congrats on this. now, season two, this one -- explain what the show is about if you haven't seen it. >> the show is about -- the last season was about that my mother moved in with me. >> jimmy: yeah, which was a little bizarre. >> yeah. awkward. >> jimmy: yeah. doesn't make any -- >> and this season, apparently, according to my mother, it's all about my mother staying with me because it's only four days a week. so, apparently, there's a subtle difference between staying with me and living with me. >> jimmy: but coming from the daughter, is there a difference? >> four days a week. >> jimmy: yeah, there's no difference, is there? >> yeah. there's no difference whatsoever. >> jimmy: not at all, no. >> no. >> and i'm having a very good time. she put me in a little crappy room, but i'm having a very good time. [ laughter ] >> it's a guest room. >> it's a guest room for a dead person. [ laughter ] >> you're always staying with me. >> jimmy: oh, my god. but have -- you have joan rivers as mom. joan, what was the best advice you ever gave your daughter? >> i want you to find a rich man.
1:06 am
i want you to find a handsome man. i want you to find a man that's great in bed. and i want you to find a man that is very compassionate. and i never want these four men to meet. [ laughter ] that is it. >> and -- [ applause ] and, of course, the other one was -- if an old jew tries to move into your home, be aware it's a lot like mold. once they're inside the walls, you'll never get them out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. that's a very -- very interesting. [ laughter ] >> i should have taken that advice. >> jimmy: yeah, that's very good. >> i don't listen much. >> jimmy: but this -- we're about to show this clip now. and i can't even believe this is real. >> you were on the show. >> you were on our show. >> jimmy: i was on the show. how'd it turn out? how was i? >> it can be fixed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? wait, i was -- >> you're -- you're okay. you're not terrible. >> we can fix it all in editing. >> we'll do it in editing. >> but you'll end up being happy with it. >> jimmy: but i thought it was funny. i don't get it. >> well -- [ laughter ] it's funny enough. >> jimmy: it's funny enough. >> thank god you have this show. [ laughter ] but it's funny enough. >> jimmy: i wanted to set this up. this is a crazy story. can you set this up? >> sure, i'll set the clip. >> jimmy: i don't even believe this story. >> and, unfortunately, it's true. >> jimmy: who were you with?
1:07 am
>> my mom was -- okay. >> lynne koplitz. >> lynne koplitz is a very good friend of mom's, who's another comedienne. my ex-boyfriend's parents were staying with us. so we had a very full house. and my mother was extremely stressed, and lynne had the idea that they should go get some medicinal marijuana and relax, which they then did. and then they went and bought a bong. and then they drove to the end of a dead-end street. >> jimmy: joan, you bought a bong? >> yes. >> jimmy: and went to a dead-end street? >> and smoked. and then -- >> jimmy: smoked weed in a car? >> and then -- [ laughter ] >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is going on? >> and then needed to call for help. >> jimmy: wait, what? >> and then needed to call me to come get them. >> jimmy: 'cause you couldn't drive? >> didn't care. >> and they were licking it -- and they were licking it part of my drive home. >> jimmy: they wanted -- she wanted to stop and get food? >> well, yeah. >> jimmy: check this out. ♪ >> food, drugs, food, drugs. >> i am three. >> french fries. >> i haven't had a cheeseburger in you know how long? look at that sky. do you know how many people are looking at the same sky? >> how many people are looking at the same sky?
1:08 am
>> that's why i asked you. i don't know. >> i don't know either. >> it's a joke. >> we're good here. >> i made a joke. >> thank you. >> thank you. let's go. >> oh, no. we need ketchup! you have made a great meal. >> go get in the car, mom. >> congratulations. in a truck. where are you from? >> where? [ talking over each other ] >> thank you. >> a meal made in a -- >> get in the car. get in the car. >> this is a meal, baby. it's a wonderful meal. >> it's a burger and fries. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. that's so cute. that is hilarious. [ cheers and applause ] so sweet. you guys want to play a game? >> yes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right, cool. when we come back, joan and melissa and i are playing a classic tv game -- password! see you after the break! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ captain ] sorry folks, our landing time got moved back another hour. [ crowd chatters and groans ] ♪
1:09 am
♪ [ male announcer ] hunger getting to you? grab a ritz crackerfuls. made with real cheese and whole grain, it'll help keep you satisfied until your next meal. get hunger before it gets you. [ man ] hi, there! chase freedom is offering 5% cash back at gas stations this quarter. wow. thanks! beep! beep! [ male announcer ] activate your 5% cash back at ♪ freedom
1:10 am
1:11 am
1:12 am
1:13 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aw, welcome back to "late night." to my right is one of our nation's greatest comediennes, joan rivers. [ cheers and applause ] who are you playing with, joan? >> i am playing with melissa rivers, who is my daughter and my co-star in "joan and melissa." >> steve: oh, fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] and to my left is america's sweetheart and host of nbc's "late night with jimmy fallon." who's your partner? who's your partner, jimmy?
1:14 am
>> jimmy: my partner is the gorgeous and talented actress, stacy keibler! [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. ♪ >> steve: woo-hoo. >> jimmy: and we're all here to play password! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: i'm your host, steve higgins. the rules of the game are very simple. i will give each of you a password. then each of you are to give a one-word clue. one word only to your partner to guess the password. the scoring starts at 6. we take away a point each time the clue passes. >> steve: you have five seconds to get each time. and remember, no part or form of the word can be used. if a clue's deemed illegal by our judges, you'll hear -- [ buzzer ] and then you'll forfeit the turn. >> jimmy: all right. >> steve: team with the most points wins. any questions? great. >> jimmy: yeah. i had a question. >> steve: joan, why don't you start? >> okay, how do you open it? that's my first question. [ laughter ] oh, great. >> i am the most competitive person. >> oh, this is easy. >> the password is -- >> can i say a name? >> jimmy: yeah, one word.
1:15 am
>> steve: one word, though. >> winona. [ laughter ] >> shoplifter. >> jimmy: oh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: what? >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> easy. >> steve: oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: all right, stacy, go. >> steve: all right, we're gonna start with melissa on this one. >> okay, wait, which way -- which way do i do this? >> the password is -- [ light laughter ] >> smoke. >> pot. >> steve: no. [ light laughter ] >> like. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: jagger. [ laughter ] >> synonym. >> jimmy: they're both thinking the same thing. >> fire. >> no! [ laughter ] >> smoke? >> do i need to give you a clue? >> jimmy: i don't know. you might as well, but i think i got it. >> bong. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: weed?
1:16 am
>> marijuana. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nobody calls it that anymore! i haven't heard the word marijuana in years. >> that's why they gave it to me. >> steve: oh, well there you go. >> synonym! >> that's what betty white and i used to -- [ light laughter ] >> the password is -- >> no, sy-no-nym. >> steve: all right. ready? it's jim's turn. >> it's you, mommy. >> oh, it's me. okay, okay. oh. do i look, though? >> steve: yeah, you can look. >> okay. >> jimmy: condiment. [ laughter ] >> ketchup. >> steve: that's what cheese said. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that doesn't make any sense. >> fattening. [ laughter ] >> mayo? >> steve: oh. ♪ almost. >> mayonnaise. ♪ >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: i would have given you mayo, too. this is like a sweep. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: i'm so sorry. condiment. >> the password is -- [ talking over each other ]
1:17 am
>> steve: bring out the hellman's. >> jimmy: all right. >> steve: that's what cheese said. >> jimmy: come on, stacy. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> steve: cheese. >> garter. >> jimmy: spanx. >> yes! >> jimmy: oh, i knew it! yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i got spanx! sorry, i got spanx. >> i thought girdle. >> jimmy: condiments. i get spanx. >> steve: joan, you're gonna start out on this one. >> the password is -- [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] >> i don't want to say it. >> it's so vicious. [ laughter ] so vicious. >> jimmy: joan, i didn't write these. >> yeah, sure. [ laughter ] >> hold it on this side. i don't want to look. >> younger. [ laughter ] >> creepy.
1:18 am
[ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> steve: almost. almost. >> jimmy: all right. ready? [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, yeah. jenner. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> facelift? >> jimmy: yeah! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: okay. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> steve: this one -- >> the password is -- >> jimmy: i'll let stacy go. >> steve: okay, stacy, you go. >> oh. oh, no. okay. >> jimmy: this is it. this is for all the marbles. >> steve: this is for all the marbles. >> i don't know which one -- okay. sweet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sugar.
1:19 am
>> steve: no. >> hole. [ laughter ] >> doughnut? >> jimmy: yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: you guys, watch "joan and melissa: joan knows best?" tuesday's at 9:00 on we tv. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations to the rivers. wow. aw, you guys are the best. more "late night" after the break. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] when do you take 5-hour energy?
1:20 am
when i'm on the night shift. when they have more energy than i do. when i don't feel like working out. when there isn't enough of me to go around. ♪ when i have school. and work. every morning. it's faster and easier than coffee. every afternoon when that 2:30 feeling hits. -every day. -every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day. [ male announcer ] 5-hour energy. every day.
1:21 am
a higher standard in smooth hair is here. new nexxus frizz defy system. protects every strand to help lock in nourishment and lock out humidity. for captivatingly smooth hair anytime. nexxus. raise your standard.
1:22 am
for captivatingly smooth hair anytime. ah. so much better than last year. [ both screaming ] food out the window! throw the food out the window! [ roaring ] never again. everyone deserves a great vacation at a great price.
1:23 am
get onboard a carnival cruise and get more fun for all. [ horn blares ]
1:24 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a former wwe superstar, an actress, and kickass contestant on "dancing with the stars." she's here to talk about the kinect game "your shape: fitness evolved 2012." say hello to the beautiful, the talented stacy keibler! come on. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ she's got legs she knows how to use them she's got those legs she knows how to use them ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. long time, no see. >> i know, i feel like -- >> jimmy: god, we almost had the rivers. >> i know. i just -- i figured i didn't even have to say anything. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. >> you didn't get one. >> jimmy: i was awful. no, i'm sorry -- >> that was my fault. >> jimmy: no, i screwed up with the mayonnaise thing. i'm gonna have nightmares. >> no, i'm going to have the nightmares about the marijuana.
1:25 am
>> jimmy: we love games. we were just talking about catchphrase backstage. you love that one, too. >> i love catchphrase. >> jimmy: do you play a lot of games, like board games? >> i love playing games. board games, any kind of game -- drinking games. you name it. i love to play. >> jimmy: oh, really? [ cheers ] i do a lot of that, too, yeah. i drink during board games. [ laughter ] >> we tried to figure out a way to make the board game a drinking game. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. that's the whole goal of having games. and now you got this guy. look at this thing. i love the kinect because there's no controllers involved. >> and that -- >> jimmy: and this -- you're going to break a sweat on this, right? >> yeah, and you actually become the game. so, it scans you and no matter what you're wearing, you become part of the game. >> jimmy: the camera scans -- so the camera from your xbox scans you. >> yep. >> jimmy: so you just stand in front of the tv set, and then you teach me how to work out? i work out with you? >> well, not me -- >> jimmy: awesome. >> but a trainer -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. >> -- that's in the game. but yeah, there's over 90 hours of activities you can do right in your living room. so, it actually, because it scans you as well, it tells you the number of calories that you're burning. and you can be put on a program so you can actually lose weight. >> jimmy: but if you -- if it scans you and you're fat, are you a fat character? >> you are whatever you are. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:26 am
but i mean, you're just doing like, step things and stretches, and lunges, and weights and everything? >> there's cardio boxing, there's -- everything to start off with jump roping and dancing. >> jimmy: gosh. >> and then there's every single body part you can do, so -- >> jimmy: i'm an awful dancer, so i could learn how to dance. >> i think you'd be good at that. >> jimmy: i love these things. i love video games in general. i think they're -- do you play video games as well? >> i do. >> jimmy: really? >> i do. yeah. i had a commodore 64, and i think every gaming system -- >> jimmy: yes! i had a commodore 64! no, i had vic-20. >> i didn't have a vic-20. >> jimmy: i think it's cheaper than commodore 64. yeah, it's like the cheap knockoff version of it, but it was great. >> and nintendo. >> jimmy: nintendo. i remember playing mario so much that like -- >> i played it so much. >> jimmy: yeah, my mom thought i was gonna go blind from sitting too close to the tv. she was like, "stop playing." some other things as well, but more the video games, sitting close to the tv was the big thing. we met last week at the golden globes. >> yes. >> jimmy: you were there with your boyfriend, george clooney. >> yes. >> jimmy: now, you guys have been -- [ cheers ] yeah, he's a tall drink of water. [ laughter ] you guys have been making -- i mean, gosh, he's winning every award known to man. so, you're going to every awards show.
1:27 am
do you like going to award shows? >> you know, as you can see, the globes were so fun. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they're -- it's so much fun. i just -- >> jimmy: 'cause kinda loose and no one really cares. >> yeah, it's really -- everybody's having a really good time. and i feel that it's just -- i'm just so fortunate to be in the room with all these talented people. it's a little overwhelming sometimes, right? >> jimmy: no, you deserve to be there, of course. it's fun. just like i look around and i go, "i totally deserve to be here." [ laughter ] >> you do. >> jimmy: you're super-duper excited about this 'cause i know you're from baltimore. >> yes. >> jimmy: the ravens. [ scattered cheers ] >> yep, go ravens. i know i'm in new york right now -- >> jimmy: here's you in your ravens gear there. >> yeah! >> jimmy: and look, you've got your dog all in ravens gear as well. >> yes, he's a good luck charm. >> jimmy: now, you're from baltimore. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: you're ravens all the way? >> i used to be a ravens cheerleader. >> jimmy: really? >> so -- yeah, and i actually own my psl. i have season tickets. i'm a die-hard ravens fan. >> jimmy: are you going to the game in boston? >> i'm not going to be going to the game this sunday, but hopefully i'll be going to the super bowl. >> jimmy: do you have any -- oh, very nice. i got you. >> be positive. >> jimmy: do you have any -- yes, be positive always.
1:28 am
do you have any superstitions or anything you have to do when you watch the game? >> not really. >> jimmy: no. yeah. >> no, i don't really have any. >> jimmy: yeah, like, you have to, like, go in one door -- i think you go in the front door of your house or tap things? >> no. >> jimmy: i used to do that on "saturday night live" -- at the end when you say good nights -- and i'd have to leave out that one exit. >> really? >> jimmy: i don't know why. it's after the show. kind of makes no sense, right? [ light laughter ] it's kind of stupid. kind of makes no sense. like, "wait, i had a bad show again. why do i keep doing this superstition after the show?" i should've done it before the show. see? that's what would have saved my career. no, i'm just kidding. i'm very happy. well, congratulations on this thing. >> thanks. >> jimmy: i love it. thanks for coming on the show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for playing password. i'm sorry about the mayonnaise thing. >> yeah, no, i want to play again. >> jimmy: we'll do better next time. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you rock. [ cheers and applause ] "your shape: fitness evolved 2012" is out right now for xbox kinect. and you can catch stacy in the movie "dysfunctional friends" february 3rd. stacy keibler, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] cults performs next! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
1:29 am
[ male announcer ] aggressive new styling. a more fuel-efficient turbocharged engine. and a completely redesigned interior. ♪ the new c-class, with over 2,000 refinements. it's amazing...inside and out. the c-class starts at just $34,800.
1:30 am
it's amazing...inside and out. look! here she comes! ♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ ♪hen she comes. ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ ♪ when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons, ♪ ♪ gt35 turbo charger. ♪ and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought em! ( clears throat ) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.
1:31 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests are a great new york band who are making their tv debut with us tonight. to perform the song "abducted" from their self-titled album, please welcome cults! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i knew right then that i'd been abducted i knew right then that he would be taking my heart ♪
1:32 am
♪ i knew right then no one was above him i knew right then that he would be breaking my heart ♪ ♪ he took my heart because i really loved him he took my heart away and left me to bleed out ♪ ♪ bleed out he tore me apart because i really loved him he took it all away ♪ ♪ and left me to bleed out bleed out i knew right then that she'd been abducted ♪ ♪ i knew right then that i would be taking her heart i knew right then that i'd never love her ♪
1:33 am
♪ the reasons i hope the dream hasn't left her scarred he took my heart ♪ ♪ because i really loved him he took my heart away and left me to bleed out bleed out ♪ ♪ he tore me apart because i really loved him he took it all away and left me to bleed out bleed out ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ he took my heart because i really loved him
1:34 am
he took my heart away and left me to bleed out ♪ ♪ bleed out he tore me apart because i really loved him he took it all away ♪ ♪ and left me to bleed out bleed out ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the way to do it. thank you so much. cults, everybody! check out their debut album. see them live saturday in boston! my thanks to joan and melissa rivers! stacy keibler! cults! and the greatest band in late night, the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for carson daly. thank you for watching! have a great weekend! hope to see you next week! bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on